So I call my doctor and he speaks to me. He is concerned. I have an appointment to see a cardiologist. The appointment is 10 days away and I’m trying to get it moved closer. My stress level is beyond belief. I am certain I am causing myself damage with this much stress.
I am tired. Exhausted. I sleep at home until it’s bedtime. I sleep. I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept. I fall asleep at my desk at work. I am not sure if it’s the pill or something else. My acid reflux is in overdrive and not even the Nexium is taming it. The inside of my lip still hurts. I’m lonely and that normally doesn’t even bug me. Part of me wants to be alone and part of me doesn’t. It’s weird.
I’ve lost a lot of my coördination (shut up — I heard that) and that’s troubling. I knock stuff over accidentally, bump into things. I’m also confused sometimes. I’ll get asked a question and I can’t just answer it anymore. I have to think and see if there’s an answer brewing. I itch everywhere but not all at once. My vision isn’t so good — by which I meant it’s slightly blurrier than it was before all the shit hit the fan. I am absolutely disintegrating. As I said yesterday, I can’t function anymore. When Dad returns from holiday, I have to do something.
I feel like I want to be in some psychiatric ward with some books and TV and just be alone. I’m quite sure that’s not a normal feeling. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been trying to read this book Dave gave me, and it’s pretty good but I can’t concentrate and am barely getting a few pages a day done. When I can’t read, that’s really bad. I’m watching crap TV to try and distract myself (and it’s not working well.)
I appreciate the support from so many of you over the past few months as I’ve started falling apart. Some of you have offered help in various aspects and it’s all appreciated. I think I need more support than you guys can give. Today is still a 1 or 1.5 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Oh, and I’m not eating again. I try. I eat a tiny amount, but I can’t eat enough to make a difference which is, I am sure, part of my energy problem. I’ve tried forcing myself too. Yesterday’s food intake was a bowl of Special-K and three slices of ham. Today’s food intake has been a bowl of Special-K, two cookies, five slices of ham, and a Mars (UK) bar. That last item is on my forbidden list.
I think if I were a dog, the vet would put me down. Blech.