Dictator for Life

A number of my friends have told me I should be President and that I’d be good at the job. I deeply appreciate the sentiment from those deluded fools’ friends. Actually, I accept their theory as plausible, but I must reject it because:

1. Anyone who wants to president must, by definition, be an idiot
2. You have to listen to people
3. The pay sucks
4. Who wants to go through the election process? I’d rather be anally assaulted by a herd of zebras than go through what our candidates go through. (And, Jose, that is not a clue for you to plan such assault you perverted bastard)

But, if you all can arrange to have me appointed dictator for life, I will certainly fix everything that is wrong with this country in short order. However, I won’t leave the position. As your benevolent dictator I will:

1. Ban the private ownership of all automatic weapons.
2. Ban pennies because they piss me off
3. English will be the official language of the United States (you know, what they speak in England, not this American language we speak here)
4. All Americans will be required to speak two languages fluently to graduate from high school
5. If you do not graduate from high school, you will be required to spend a four-year stint in the armed forces (a division of your choosing)
6. To be a citizen you must speak the language well enough to pass the test
7. All CEOs of PUBLIC companies shall see their salaries tied to company performance. If you’re a private company, do whatever you want.
8. You do NOT have a right to a Driver’s License. It’s a privilege. You must pass a written test and skills test. (Administered in English.)
9. Felons get to vote after they have completed their sentence and probation.
10. Lawyers will not be allowed to advertise except in the phone book and on their website
11. Doctors will not be allowed to advertise except in the phone book and on their website
12. A company is more than welcome to outsource jobs. They do not get any tax breaks as long as their jobs are outsourced.
13. Gas prices will be regulated to the price of a barrel of oil. If the price goes up 5% then the pump price cannot go up more than 5%. If it goes down 5%, then the pump price must go down an equal amount. So once a station determines its profit margin, the price of gas will be consistent all year. Once a year they will be able to change their profit margin on gas which will remain tied for another year
14. Income tax for citizens will be mandatory if you make above the Poverty Line. If you make below, no tax. There will be a flat tax on all citizens regardless of income. There will be deductions allowed for medical and educational expenses plus taxes paid to your local taxing authority. No other deductions. Period.
15. Corporations that turn a profit have to pay tax. The end. Deductions? There will be some but they will all be tied to funds spent to better their employees. (And of course taxes paid to your local taxing authority). No other deductions. Public companies will be required to post their tax returns on their websites.
16. Gay marriage will be allowed. Get over it. If you think it’s wrong, please kill yourself and make the planet a better place. There are far more important things to worry about.
17. Abortions will be allowed with the consent of BOTH parents (where applicable but not required in the case of rape/incest or obvious medical condition of said baby or to save the life of the mother).
18. Car companies will be required to have each model year get 2MPG on average better than the year before. If not, they are taxed at double their normal tax rate. Same for emissions. Emission rates must improve every year.
19. Oil companies’ profits will be capped at a fixed percentage. Monies over that will be forfeit to the government.
20. There will be mandatory basic health care for all. The plan will suck much like all socialized medicine. But if you’re really sick, you can get help. Private health plans will still be encouraged.
21. Every student who gets above a certain score on his/her SAT will be allowed to go to college and get a student loan to pay for it. As long as they maintain a C or better average, the loan renews. If the student stops going or flunks out, they loan is immediately due, and payments must begin. (Medical excuses allowed). If you graduate, you have a 5-year grace period or until you’re done gaqduate school. (This is for undergraduate. The plan doesn’t pay for graduate studies.)
22. There will be no prayer in school. A moment of silence is fine.
23. School uniforms in public schools are banned
24. School vouchers are prohibited. If you don’t like it, pay your own kid’s way. This will not be tax deductible.
25. If you are hurt whilst committing a crime, you don’t get to sue. That’s silly. Your civil rights are waived once you are convicted of a crime.
26. Jury Duty is still required. However, all people on the unemployment rolls are required to serve as jurors once per month. Only after this is exhausted will employed citizens be called to duty. No citizen may be called more than once every two years. And your employer will pay you for up to one (or two?) weeks after which your salary is covered by the government.
27. While there are jobs open, no matter how unpleasant, that you are qualified to do, you cannot collect. So, if you find it beneath you to work at McDonalds flipping burgers, that is your choice. You are not eligible for unemployment.
28. The speed limit will be abolished in areas with a low population density and only on limited access highways. (Road safety may limit area in which this is applied.)
29. There will be a national ID card. It will serve as an ID, driver’s license, voter’s registration card, social security card, and so forth. No matter where you are, big brother will know all about you. It’s the only thing you’ll ever need except a passport. You have to get one — you can’t get a job without one.
30. All high school students will be required to complete 50 hours of community service to graduate.
31. You don’t have to wear a seat belt or helmet if you don’t want to. But your kids do.
32. The age of majority is 18 for all things
33. Smoking will be banned except in your home or car. All other regulations on cigarettes will be removed so you can kill yourself faster.
34. Your bank will pay interest on all accounts. This will be tied to the rate at which they loan money. They will be allowed a spread between the two so they can be profitable. It can be whatever they want. But once it’s fixed, it’s fixed. They can only change the spread once every five years.
35. Spam will be illegal (email, fax, phone, etcetera). All spammers will be put in jail. With horny fat guys who haven’t seen a woman in five years. The doors will be locked, the guards will leave and go see a movie. Maybe a double feature.
36. Sales tax is not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. Because so many states get in trouble because of internet sales, there will an Internet Sales Tax. A flat 5% and it will go half to the state and half to the federal government. No other sales tax will apply.
37. ATM fees will be capped at a sane and rational rate.
38. Internet access will be censorship free. All those blocks on those Usenet groups and various sites imposed by the ISP will be removed. Censorship will be at the discretion of the user and installed on their computer.
39. Bandwidth throttling is illegal. Unlimited means unlimited. Raise the rates or have multiple plans.
40. The NHL will be the official sport of the land. And the NFL will be the backup sport. NASCAR will not be banned as much as I’d like to, but I will repeatedly make fun of it and compare it unfavourably with WWE wrestling. A disclaimer will be required on all WWE matches “This shit ain’t real, y’all.”
41. SMS Speak will be disallowed except on mobile telephones where it belongs. Anyone who types How RU? in an email will be deported.
42. Anyone who forwards chain emails will be mocked on the nightly news. If an email says “share me with 10 friends” your ISP will notify the authorities immediately.

There’s more but I thought I’d start making my case so my minions can overthrow the government and install me as soon as possible.

Thank you for your support. I accept contributions via PayPal and Cash 🙂