Naked Emotions

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” This from the Declaration of Independence. I once used that quote in a story I wrote. I’m using it here. It also pertains.

In a previous blog post, I mentioned I could pack up and leave and it wouldn’t be a big deal because almost nobody would notice and even fewer would care. In the 9 November 2008 PostSecret (a great blog if you don’t read it), there was a postcard that said: ¦ I wanted to move somewhere where nobody knew who I was. ¦. Then I did, and realized it didn’t make everything magically better. So I got to thinking. That post card is absolutely right. Everything would not be magically better. Obviously. But it wouldn’t be any worse. There’s still nothing stopping me right at the moment, except finances. So, the bottom line there is it is coming, will come, will happen. There’s only one thing that might stop it, but more on that later.

And after thinking it through, I have discarded the idea of a tattoo, though there is still some small visceral appeal to it. It does seem too “mid-life crisis” to me. Maybe in a year or two if it still amuses me, I’ll do it. Not now. And no earrings either. This past week a friend and his wife tried to get me to do that. It’s just not me at all. I did get a pinky ring. I wore one for many years, and stopped about six or eight years ago. I decided to try again.

Also there is a big announcement coming. One that is long overdue, I suppose. I’m not happy about it, of course, but life is what it is. Sometimes you have to do bad things as well as good things. I have to wait until it’s confirmed and then I may share it. Or maybe not.

Anyway, all this stuff had me thinking. And yes, I know, I think too much. So let’s go back to the first quote I opened with. Hold on to that, because it’s important. “The ways of the Lord are impossible to understand and always ugly.” At least that’s what one of my editors of the aforementioned story said to me in a recent discussion. I concur. The Lord is a very mean person because if he exists, he’s not been kind to me.

There are lots of things in life I want, and I’ve come to realize that I’m not getting them. None of them really matter to me now except one, though. In life, everybody wants lots of things, and you can’t have them all.

Sometimes, something happens in your life. Something that changes everything. It doesn’t matter if you want that change or not. It comes. In this case, I didn’t want it, didn’t expect it, but am happy it came. But this one thing, it’s a Big Thing. It’s a secret that I’ve not shared with anyone. Nor will I. I’m willing to give up everything I have to get this one thing.

I’m trying to figure out how to make that happen. I’m quite literally willing to give up everything if I can make this happen. But the bitch is in the details. I’m trying to figure it out. I will. One day. Or die trying. It’s a need and it’s been consuming me these past four weeks. I’m trying to banish it from my head, but I can’t. I don’t sleep, just sit in bed and think. I’m the walking dead and it’s all I think about: and I don’t mean this in a bad way. It is quite the mental trial.

What’s caused this vexation? Well I’ve realized that out of Life, Liberty, and Happiness, I get to pick one and one only. Once I pick it, the rest follow or not based on the choices I am about to make. That leaves me with one choice. Actually, there isn’t a choice. I’m going to go for Happiness, even if it’s a short burst of it. The die is cast and it’s only a matter of figuring out how to make it work. I figure just about three years maximum, but I do hope it doesn’t take that long.

From a mental standpoint, I think I am a mess. Happily, I do have a very small group of friends I can discuss this with. I think I’ve mentioned that before. I’ve had half the discussion already with one person. I just gotta screw up the courage for the other half. There are two halves: the disastrous half and the apocalyptic half. Hey, if you’re gonna do something, do it right.

I’d be a little more direct but there are people reading this blog who I’d rather didn’t, so I must be careful how I say things. Sometimes popularity isn’t always good.

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